Short time previous, man is walk down road because he not afford autocar when he sees top-notch soviet autocar approach from rear of him. He salute car to attract attention for transport, and autocar ceases moving. Man run to passanger side of vehicle and open door. When door opened, skeleton ejects from autocar! Body being dumped by KGB agent for insolence against great communist party!
Cat is Hero of Motherland[edit | edit source]
You come home from hard day of work at glorious Soviet tractor factory.
Enter lounge and drink vodka. Cat sit on top of kitchen table, stare at you. “Stupid cat.” you say, “You look just like comrade Stalin fat ugly wife!”.
Early next morning, KGB kick down front door and take you to Siberian gulag for outrageous slur against Comrade Stalin beautiful wife.
In glorious Soviet motherland, even cat can be trained to report owner for spread discontent and tell lie about senior party members.
Cat receive Order Of Lenin medal and senior position in KGB; you receive 30 year hard labour sentence at Soviet re-education camp.
Life is just and fair under our beloved leader Stalin.
Pocketwatch is Break[edit | edit source]
Walking home one night, you notice all candle in personal shack are lit. You finish vodka bottle as you approach door.
House is empty, and you made sure not to feed guard dog, but candle still go out.
You check Soviet pocket watch, small hand on 4, big hand on 1. You realize you soon be late for glorious unpaid labor at mighty Soviet factory.
At factory, you find letter on floor. Is signed to you, from you. You open letter, wonder where you learn writing.
Inside reads "the out for watch watch" You look at pocket watch. big hand on 4, little hand on one. You look at note again, 4th and 1st words have swapped places.
"Watch out for the watch." You look at pocket watch again.
You realize watch is broken, and get it fixed. You also decide to cut back on vodka, so do not send letter to yourself anymore.
Such is life in Moscow.
You are home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate murderer who is on the loose. You look out the window door to beet field, and you notice Man standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at you. You gulp vodka, picking up fone to your right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass you look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to you. You drop vodka in shock.
No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!
Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.
Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Capitalists can lick too." She screams.
Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.
Legend is being going like this.
You are entering bathroom and standing in front of mirror. Turning candles off and, while being in front of mirror, spinning rapidly, you chanting "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky", several times, while catching glimpses of self on mirror. It is said that eventually you be seeing image of Leon Trotsky on mirror.
Upon exiting bathroom you are being arrested by KGB for believing in existence of Leon Trotsky, whom party has proven never existed.
One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.
On daytime, proud tall Soviet man is hunter for bear to distribute among village. He travel deep into tundra outside of village finding not bear, but stacks of bodies of unworth capitalist pigs who were either died because they were weak, or killed by KGB for being not true Soviets and they would have make poor examples. Man is rejoice in his pride, but darkness approach, so he walk for four hours to cabin and hotel beside. Man walk in hotel, say to fellow comrade "What is cost for night sleep?" and comrade say back "1000 rubles". Man only had 250 rubles! So, he ask comrade "What should I do, sell legs?" then jokes that he prices like Jew, then resides to cabin beside hotel.
Inside large cabin sit bed. Man Closes door immediate next to bed, then sits down in bed, take off grenades but keeping handmade peoples' AK-47, lying down and faced wall only inch away from foot of bed. To his disgust, on wall many portraits of horrible, ugly people with hideous faces, crooked backs and twisted ankles, giveing a unpleasant glare with evil grin at Soviet hunter. People in portraits are much details. Man figure they were crafted by hotel owner to scare rotten capitalist pigs, so he laugh and yells in a loud manner, "I will not succumb to such a scare method!".
Reject is fear, just like true Soviet he is, he watch portraits keeping AK-47 in right hand and vodka in left, waiting in darkness until sunlights. The sun rise six months later, sun shine on cabin, and Soviet hunter realize that portraits were actually large holes in wall! The ghoulish creatures portrayed in what previous thoughts was portraits was Jews from hotel, preying on him, kept alive only by dream of stealing his rubles! No longer do they smile because their torso's now resemble leg of Serbian woman, much like stovepipe. This is unlike hunter, whose true Soviet abilities has actually made him stronger. Man leaves cabin with grenades and handmade AK-47 and marches for five hours back to tundra village where he tells his story and rejoices with his fellow comrades.
Jews attempt following back to village, but some die in Tundra and the rest are hit by young comrades driving Zastava quicktractor. Such is life for Jew in Russia.
I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep. Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red. Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story. There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red. I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast. Such is life in Moscow.
Nightmare On Fire Burning[edit | edit source]
You are having nightmare about burning. You wake up and have breakfast. At breakfast you read Pravda. News section is saying you are dying one day ago in chemical fire. Such is life in Moscow.
"Father, I had bad dream"
You take sip of vodka and roll over. You are stare at clocktower on Sobornaya Square. Is 3:23. "Go back to sleep, is much work tomorrow." "No, Father." Familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. Can barely make out devochka's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?" "Because in dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, thing wearing Mother's skin sat up." You pause, face your daughter and look at her intensely. Figure behind you begin to stir.
"Don't talk that way about your brother, is not his fault we have no money for coats. Such is life in Moscow."
In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell. Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Da!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."
And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.
Mother and father get little tired from building Communism, so they want to go to Moscow to buy vodka. They call most trusted babysitter. When babysitter arrives, children already sleep in beds. Babysitter just sits around and make sure everything good with children. Later that night, babysitter gets bored and goes to read Marx, but she can’t read downstairs because there’s no electricity (parents dodn’t want children reading Marx all night long). So, she calls parents and asks if she can get candles to read Marx in their room. Of course, the parents say it okay, but babysitter has one final request. She ask if she could cover up Lenin statue outside the bedroom window with blanket or cloth, because it makes her nervous. Phone line is silent for moment, and father who say, "Take children and get out of house. We will call milita. We do not have Lenin statue." Militia find all three of house occupants dead because KGB kill them for trying to cover Lenin statue. Then militia arrest parents for not having Lenin statue. Such is life in Moscow.
The Gypsies[edit | edit source]
Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.
Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.
It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.
Such is life for gypsy in Russia.
And no amount of running will save you.
Capitalist Pig Tractors[edit | edit source]
There was once suspicious traveler coming to soviet village, telling western propaganda. Traveler was traitor to great Soviet Union, he said that capitalist pigs tractor was better. Foolish traveler was sent to gulag by great soviet commissar and food shipments stoped coming to village. Famine took many lives.
Russian Stump[edit | edit source]
Two peasants used village tractor to remove big stump. First peasant said it was impossible for tractor to remove stump. Second peasant said first peasant lacked faith in great soviet machinery, then he put great effort in removing stump. Village tractor broke and peasants were sent to gulag. Now without tractor and peasants, village was doomed.
Three Wheels[edit | edit source]
One day, great Soviet commissar come to village to see tractor.
"Tractor only 3 wheels, what happened?" inquires glorious leader.
"Great Soviet tractor strong, only need 3 wheels!" replied peasant. "But comrade commissar, I cannot tell lie, I used unnecessary tire to make shoes for village children."
Commissar purged peasant in the name of great Stalin. Village children were sent to gulag, Great Soviet Union don't need children with weak feet!
Russian Tractor[edit | edit source]
One day, Soviet commissar came to village for monthly inspection. Great commissar see shiny tractor in communal barn and ask: "Why don't you use tractor? Do you want to upset great Communist Party?"
"Of course not, comrade commissar, we just want tractor to last longer by not using it for useless tasks." replied peasant.
"Wise thinking comrade, but great Soviet-Union would shine more if tractor is used more!" added great commissar.
Months later, great commissar come back for inspection and see worn-out tractor.
"Why tractor in that state?"
"Well comrade commissar we used it for this and that, and that..."
Politburo relocated village population to Siberian gulag. Villagers were not true Soviets, villagers were inefficient.
Cannibalist Stateworker[edit | edit source]
Unpopular state worker becomes butt of many joke. Day after unfortunate tractor accident, comrades from her village place severed arm in unpopular state worker's bed, and wait for morning to laugh. Morning comes and they enter room to find her eating arm. Horror results, because arm is enough to feed three comrades, and she will not share!
Happy Tractor[edit | edit source]
One night, comrade Yuri Volkov finds a picture. It shows capitalist pig on tractor with smile on face. "What is it so happy about," thinks Yuri. It deserves to be shot for insolence toward the motherland.
But Yuri soon becomes sick. His wife is worried, and doctor says is not a virus, but happy capitalist pig tractor did this. When Yuri shows his wife picture of insolent dog, she faints and Yuri feeling better. Yuri goes to show picture to his friends, but they report brother Yuri to KGB. He is shot for spreading capitalist pig propaganda.
Motherland does not tolerate such behavior.
Soviet peasant filled with burning desire to read for glory of Soviet Russia. One day peasant go to Soviet bookstore, and sees book with skull on cover.
He asks owner how much is book, and owner responds 80 rubles. However, owner tell peasant never read last page, or else doom shall fall upon him!
Peasant reads all book in one night, is dark book of capitalism about by evil man, John Deere, talking of automated machinery and air conditioned tractors, many horrors in book indeed!
Yet peasant does not read last page, for he has fear in his heart! One night it storms however, and the man is bored. He finally gathers up enough Soviet courage to read last page, dispelling superstition, for he has faith in the Party.
As soon as he reads last page, man gasps! Book originally 20 rubles! The owner was Jew!
One day, Yevdokya is visit by traveller friend. Friend say, "Dunya, I find monkey paw, with power to grant three wishes. But I have all I want in communist utoptia, so give paw to you for keeping."
When friend leave, Yevdokya, being enemy of people and anarchist, decide to make wish, testing paw. she say "Monkey paw, I wish for more food for myself" as she selfish.
The next day, KGB arrive to drag her son away, for enemy collaboration. Now Yevdokya have more bread ration for self.
Anguished for her son, even though he betrayer of worker, she wish to paw again, "Monkey paw, I wish to have my son return to me."
The next day, KGB arrive with her son. her son comply with KGB interrogation and return to implicate mother.
As KGB knock on door, Yevdokya grab monkey paw again to make final wish, "Monkey paw, I make mistake in previous wish. please make them go away."
KGB kick down door and destroy monkey paw. They say "Your son says you worship monkey god. Religion is enemy of worker. Atheism is only scientific truth."
Yevdokya then sent to labor camps for where her dangerous superstitions could not infect loyal soviet worker. She never see son or KGB again.
Clown[edit | edit source]
Parents use caretaker to protect weak children. Caretaker calls parents later, asking permission to cover frightening statue of clown. Parents say "Foolish caretaker, we have no statue."
Children and caretaker found dead. Parents rejoice. Frightened children and weak caretaker not true Soviets.
Capitalist Letters[edit | edit source]
Man who live in humble soviet home receives many letter one day. Are big letter, with much content within.
Man open first letter and find capitalist propaganda, pictures of american tractors inside. He knows there is to be more picture in the other letter, so no need to open. He burn letters for warmth.
Suddenly, man attacked from behind. Is soviet soldiers. Man did not distribute letters evenly among his peers for warmth from burn, so is executed.
Such is life in Soviet Russia.
Russian man is at work alone. Copy machine begins making copies. Man did not make copies. He goes to look. Copies show him dead at desk.
He curses bad capitalist machines. Shoots copier, and begins making all copies by hand.
One night, I am in bed, beating my wife, when phone ring. I beat phone, then pick it up. I hear voice. Voice says "What you do with my daughter?!"
I turn to wife and demand to know why her father interrupt me beating her. But she say, her father is dead! Then, KGB break into house and arrest me for illegal possession of phone.
Such is life in Moscow.
Toys are made by loyal factory for amusement of the children of the motherland.
Toys are of baby, and have realistic crying function.
Soon, it becomes difficult to distinguish baby and toy.
Both are burned for warmth.
Such is life in mother Russia.
Once there was a small boy who went to school to become proud Russian Communist. He found of a picture of a pretty American girl with smile and two fingers into peace sign. He takes the photo around and no on is knowing her.
One night he hears tapping on window. He looks outside and it is the girl. "Fuck you American!" he screams, and throws potatoes at her.
She keeps this up for several nights until boy is out of potatoes. He leaves his house to kill girl but is hit by a car instead. Driver gets out and takes the boy's photo. Girl is now holding a potato and has 3 fingers raised with a smile.
Is said that some victims of gypsy curse, during the act, retreat into sissy fantasy world from which they not WAKE UP. In catatonic state, victim lives in silly world where Motherland is not supreme. The only way good proletariat knows to WAKE UP is to find note in fantasy. Note says,"WAKE UP. BEET FIELD NEEDS TENDING." Even then, they are to be executed for capitalist dream.
In any city, in Motherland, go to any asylum you can get into. Go to the front desk and ask for man who calls himself "The Holder of the End". Should a look of puny fascist-like fear come over the strong communist worker, then you will be taken to a cell in the building. It will be in a deep hidden section of the building. The corridors will be silent like Spetsnaz killing a weak anti-communist soldier. You will begin to hear someone whispering to themselves, like brother Yuri after 3 bottles too much of glorious Russian vodka. It will be in a language you do not understand but even your courageous workers heart will know fear.
Should the talking stop at any moment, stop walking and yell "GREEDY CAPITALIST PIG! I WILL RAPE YOU LIKE SMALL CHILD." If you hear nothing then remove your trousers and enter the cell. If the whispering resumes like Russian workers after loss of only son then you may choose whether or not to remove pants.
When you enter the room you will see small weak man who has not had beets in some time. He will be speaking in a language not russian, beat him until he speaks the tongue of the motherland.
When he learns the great language you will say the bloodied pile that was once a man "What happens when they go together?"
The fragile man will look into your eyes and answer in great detail. Some have gone mad and lost hope in this great land, do not worry they are in gulag now. After he finishes forget what he has told you for it is capitalist propaganda, kill him and feed him to your children in a beet stew.
There is house in Chechnya. One day police come by to find woman's body badly burnt in oven.
Little girl, you should obey your husband if he tell you something.